Opened
Facebook but couldn't think of any cool status update? How about starting a day with a funny status update that’ll make up your whole day? I’ve compiled a list of
insanely funny updates from my friends’ updates and other pages. So Here’s a list of 73+ Damn
funny facebook status updates that you can copy and make as your new status update:
- A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
- Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
- Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
- Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
- Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
- Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
- Scratch here - ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal today’s status?
- Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done! :P
- When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
- Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
- Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
- I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, "You're next".
- A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. "Do u have any last requests?" "Yes, will u hold my hand?" XD
- Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
- Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
- I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
- Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!
- Insert coin to view status message?
- When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
- If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in jesus name amen".
- Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
- Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
- Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we'll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me
- ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – Manu Dev Soni
More Funny Status, Jack n Jill Style!
- Jack: Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in India. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Jack: Just April Fooled on old lady who was asking for help with getting her walker on the elevator. I kicked her in the shin!
- Jack: I HAD A THOUGHT! No. Wait. False alarm.
- Jillwonders why people put their relationship status as its complicated..u idiots why don't u solve your problems instead of broadcasting them?
- Jill: My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them
- Jack: Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML
- Jill: Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn't remind them!
- Jack: I like to name my iPod "'Titanic" so when it says 'Syncing Titanic' i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
- Jack: *After slipping*, I did not fall. I attacked the ground!
- Jack: No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."
- Jack: It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.
- Jill is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
- Jill dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
- Jack: Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "i", think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- Jill is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
- Jack: I know the world isn't going 2 end in 2012 coz my yogurt expires in 2013!
- Jill Went to the doctor because I have stabbing pains in my eyes every time I drink tea or coffee... they advised me to try removing the spoon from the cup.
- Jack: I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
- Jill: is forcing her dog to learn facebook.
- Jack to Jill: Your intelligence is my Common sense!
- Jack: Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
- Jill: was thinking why the Frisbee became larger n larger when it suddenly knocked her out.
From My Readers
- Rohit: You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status! ;)
- Lulu: If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
- Prakhar: Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
- Anand: I am not born to please people, So if you want to get pleased try me in next life…good luck!
- Sapphire Wilson: Dear math: I am not a therapist, so solve your own problems.
- Anonymous: What do i do when i see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile and when i get tired i put the mirror down ;)
- Chelsey: 4 out of 5 urologists smell their applejuice before they drink it.
- Miller: Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;
- JadeW: How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle??
- Queeneridanus: I’m not saying you’re stupid; you just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
- Ronak Chauhan: I miss you like a retard misses the point!
- Tatiana: wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…but suicide’s a crime.
- Halston Sparrow: I wish I had Doras parents… They let that girl go everywhere!
- Cynthia: I got all excited when my husband said he was taking somewhere expensive tonight. 10 minutes later we were at the gas station.
- Megg M: “Super” Mario should so be a kid role model: “Heyy kids don’t be racist… I’m an Italian made by the Japanese I speak English I look like a Mexican and I run like a Jamaican!”
- Amber: Just finished my 6 minute upper body workout-it was pretty easy:arm down,pick up food,arm up,put food in mouth, switch arms.
- Mark Serrato: Ok Mario you can hit bricks with your head right? Then why do you die when you touch a turtle WTF! -.-
- Cassie: A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.
Wanna See your Name here?
If you have a status idea that's funny, then post it below as a comment and I'll include you in this list as well.
